I recently received an urgent call from a friend. She wanted to reserve a time I’d be available so that we could over-analyze the behavior of a new guy she’s dating.

He’s an instructor at her gym. For months, I’ve been hearing about her crush on him. She’s been “working it” with a casual flirtation here, an intellectual discussion there. Finally, they had a bonafide date. Then some kissing. Then another plan for a date … that never materialized because he didn’t call.

She spent the next few days taking blind stabs at the reason for his silence and feeling confused.

“What should I do?” Her voice was tinged with the panic we’ve all felt at one time or another.

My advice? NEVER GUESS. Call him and ask him what’s up.

Her response? “What if he thinks I’m needy?”

A common trap! Why do we accuse ourselves of neediness because we choose to be on the same page as our date?!? There’s an important distinction between asking for pertinent information when something doesn’t feel right versus behaving insecurely about the relationship.

I’d like to believe that everyone who dates would be forthcoming and honest about how he or she feels…and in a timely manner.

But, we aren’t. Most people delay the inevitable “talk” hoping that the other person will get “the hint” and will eventually disappear. Bad move. This is what gives dating a bad name.

So how do we have difficult conversations without pissing off or eliciting tears from the other person?

To her, my suggested approach and words to use:

After the casual greetings and some small talk, say something that you like about him or the connection you have with him. Then, before you lose your nerve, head into the conversation. Something like:

“I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with you lately. And, I wanted to say that I’ve felt a “shift” in the way I thought things between us were heading. I was hoping we could talk about it.”

If he says “What do you mean?” Say, “Because you stood me up, asshole!” No. Don’t say that. Instead say, “I was under the impression we had plans on Saturday night. When I didn’t hear from you, I wondered if we were on the same page. So I thought it would be a good idea to talk about it.”

“How to Say It” Tips (that have been useful to me):

1. Using the word “AND” rather than the word “BUT” to begin a statement makes a huge difference in the way someone receives your next words. “But” implies that something negative is coming and makes us feel defensive before we’ve even heard the statement.

2. Use the “I” word as much as possible vs. the word “you.” Using “I” statements puts all the emphasis on you and your feelings. When we say things like “you didn’t call me,” expect the recipient to feel reprimanded and then the need to defend himself. It decreases the likelihood he’ll hear what else you have to say. I bet you’d feel the same way if someone accused you of not calling when you didn’t think you had plans. (Did my last statement make you feel defensive?)

3. Use neutral words. Using the phrase “I’ve felt a shift” is neutral and simple. It leaves your statement open for interpretation rather than sounding like you are accusing him of bad behavior. It allows him to say exactly what’s on his mind rather than defending himself against an act he didn’t commit, except in your mind.

Summary: It’s natural to create stories in our heads about what the other person thinks or why he or she behaved in a particular way. Most of the time we’re wrong. But, most of the time, we don’t give people a chance to speak their truth because they have to spend their time defending our accusations. For all but the most secure of us, having someone make false assumptions about our actions immediately creates a downward spiral of negative emotion. These conversations make or break our ability to have a friendship post-relationship.

Things to keep in mind:

#1. It’s all in the approach

#2. If you speak honestly and from the heart the conversation will go well.

#3. Make good decisions about who you date! Obviously, I believe that music is the best filter we have to determine our compatibility with others. In my experience, it increases the likelihood of better dates and more productive conversations. Why? Find out here.

Tags: Online Dating Relationships Romance A Sound Match Music Online Dating Dating Advice